...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize