I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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