he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
it's like iHOP with fire
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
