I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
