Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
