what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
