Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize