by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
