Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
