Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
His nipple licking is glorious
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