are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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