Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
