have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
