a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
