he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Dicks are not precious.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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