She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
