Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
did i just pee glitter
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
