i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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