Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
