my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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