I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
