worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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