i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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