just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
