K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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