OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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