OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
