Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
