just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
