My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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