she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
