I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
