Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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