It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
