Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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