And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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