i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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