Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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