I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
