If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
