totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
