i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
