running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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