The maid of honor just puked.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
