Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
