Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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