He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
