I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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