So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
