I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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