i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
