At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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