His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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