U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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