yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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