I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
