don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
