I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You need a sexual gate keeper
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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