I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
